BEHOLD I AM DOING A NEW THING
On a warm sunny afternoon this past month my husband and I took the dog for a walk. I learned new things about myself, and about what You want for me Lord. The two expectations, mine and what God hopes for in my character are two very different things. People may disappoint me but You Lord never do. You gently point out errors I make and lovingly redirect my behavior. What you showed me I didn’t like very much. What you pointed out was my sin. My attempt to control the situation, under the guise of caring for my husband, was an act of pride. Wanting to be in control is in essence a sin of pride.
I sometimes try to control that over which I have no control. The details of what happened are not important. The point is that my attempt to steer my husband’s behavior was not welcomed. He reacted harshly, in anger. My feelings hurt, I stormed ahead of him and the dog for a bit and sat on a park bench by a blooming pear tree waiting for them to catch up. Stepping away from a situation to take a breath kept the situation from escalating. It gave a pause in which You brushed aside my anger to work on the soil of my heart.
Spring has finally arrived in the Red River Valley of the North. The grass is newly green. New tiny leaves are quietly unfurling from the tree buds on branches into that brief vulnerable spring green that gives a halo to the trees. We only see this for a few moments in time before the leaves have finally grown to maturity. The blossoms on the pear trees are the first to bloom on the trees’ branch tips, their delicate perfume carried on the prairie wind. As I looked at the blossoms Two thoughts came to mind. The first was a favorite quote from Anais Nin, “And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”.
The second thought that came was a whisper from You Lord, reminding me of the Bible verse, Isaiah 43:19, “Behold I am doing a new thing: now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” Then Lord, You brought to memory, Mark 4:26-29, one of the parables You told to teach about how God works on us. He plants a seed, perhaps of knowledge, or awareness. Whether we see it or not, it sprouts when the time is right and the first stalk breaks through the hard ground of our heart, first the stalk, then the head, and finally the full kernel in the head, ready for harvest. When allowing God to work in our lives, in our hearts we change and grow to bear fruit evident in whatever good thing we do. The Lord is showing me what I need to allow to change before what is sprouting in my heart becomes evident in my caregiving. In my attempt to control what I can not control I am attempting to be like God. It can be a sin of pride not to trust God to handle what is beyond my control.
Wanting to wrestle with God for control over whatever that I can not control is a sin of pride. What I must do now is to yank out the weeds that may stifle growth of the new thing that God is doing within me to help me make my caregiving more effective and perhaps increase the joy that can come with serving my loved one. The weeds I need to pull and set aside are all those painful anxiety triggers linked to events in the past; childhood events that left emotional and physical scars, adult trauma, and the anxiety provoking nature of my husband’s debilitating illness. But the biggest and most pernicious weed of all is my sin of pride, my refusal to let go and to trust God to handle and control whatever I cannot.
Change is the only constant when living with dementia. Day by day bits of my husband disappear before me. Attempting to control his behaviors is pointless, it will not change the progression of the disease.To resist change might even be more painful than the acceptance needed to allow the planted seed to sprout, or the blossom to burst out of the bud. This new thing that God is doing in me and for me, will affect not just myself, but also those around me when it matures to bloom and bear fruit. Just as the fragrance of the pear tree blossoms is carried on the breeze, so too will the sweet aroma of transformation be observed in our character, our countenance, and our behaviors and our mindset be evident in our caregiving.
PRAYER: Thank you Lord, for being the Gentle Gardener of my heart. You plant new things to allow me to grow stronger and bear better sweeter fruit. You nurture my heart to give me the courage to open and bloom even when I am resistant to change. You show me that there is a better way, Your way if I follow your lead. Open my eyes to see You more clearly to follow You more nearly going forward. AMEN
Isaiah 43:19
Mark 4:26-29
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